I feel like January was full of death. I normally wouldn't post on such a topic. It's sad, devastating, and all in all a real downer of a topic. It's weighing heavy on my mind this week. From the beginning of the month to just this week, I've noticed what seems to be an uptick of untimely death. Maybe January is just a hard month for me in general. It's cold. It's dark. It's winter. Frankly, January...you are quite depressing. To anyone who may suffer from the smallest bit of seasonal depression, it's darkness is heightened this time of the year.
When I was 15, my grandmother died in January (1986) from cancer. I'm flooded with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I am not sure I have ever said that to anyone, much less let myself feel that pain again that was so hard. I think Charlotte's death was the first real pain I tucked into my heart and covered it up with a blanket. And put more stuff on top of it so I couldn't feel it. So I could ignore it and pretend it didn't cut my young soul to the bone.
You don't really know how to deal with these feelings when you're 15. And what's worse, your mom is having to deal with the loss of her mother. Something I haven't had to deal with and I have spent a large part of my life dreading it (also fearing it). I imagine it's something like opening your chest to expose your heart and then cutting half of it out and then trying to keep living with half a heart. So yeah, the thought of losing my mother is pretty brutal. I remember my dad trying to hold everyone together. Not something he was used to doing, but something he did without thinking twice. My parents were not even 40 when this happened. I'm 10 years older than my mom was when she lost her mother.
My grandmother's love was something I couldn't really describe. Maybe all grandmothers love this way, but when I was young, I spent a LOT of time at 404 Westwood with my grandparents. Heck, I lived there when I was born because my dad was in the Army and stationed in Texas. So, I had a special relationship with my Grandmaw.
So this month, I've had a friend lose her child. Something that is a horrible twist of fate. I've had friends (yes, that's plural) lose their mothers this week. One of these mother's was also my sweet, kind, compassionate friend. Yes, that's right....all in this week. I've always been okay with death. Probably because I look at it as a going home or being free. Or maybe because I choose not to feel. For the longest time, I couldn't cry. Not because I didn't want to, but because I had cut myself off from having to feel. I want to feel it now. To feel it and heal it and let it go. I have cried for all of my friends and I have prayed for strength for them.
My thoughts, love, and prayers are with all of these families this week. So, what do you do when life hands you death? It is never easy to lose someone we love, but we have to trust that this is God's plan. Right? We have to celebrate the time we had with them and grieve the pain of losing them on this earthly plain. Easier said than done. What it boils down to is having faith and hope. Today, I have faith that it all happens for a reason and hope that time will help heal and understand those reasons.
All the more reason to remember, life is short so make the most of every day. Tell the people you love them and appreciate them. Enjoy every second because tomorrow, any of us could be gone.
When I was 15, my grandmother died in January (1986) from cancer. I'm flooded with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I am not sure I have ever said that to anyone, much less let myself feel that pain again that was so hard. I think Charlotte's death was the first real pain I tucked into my heart and covered it up with a blanket. And put more stuff on top of it so I couldn't feel it. So I could ignore it and pretend it didn't cut my young soul to the bone.
You don't really know how to deal with these feelings when you're 15. And what's worse, your mom is having to deal with the loss of her mother. Something I haven't had to deal with and I have spent a large part of my life dreading it (also fearing it). I imagine it's something like opening your chest to expose your heart and then cutting half of it out and then trying to keep living with half a heart. So yeah, the thought of losing my mother is pretty brutal. I remember my dad trying to hold everyone together. Not something he was used to doing, but something he did without thinking twice. My parents were not even 40 when this happened. I'm 10 years older than my mom was when she lost her mother.
My grandmother's love was something I couldn't really describe. Maybe all grandmothers love this way, but when I was young, I spent a LOT of time at 404 Westwood with my grandparents. Heck, I lived there when I was born because my dad was in the Army and stationed in Texas. So, I had a special relationship with my Grandmaw.
So this month, I've had a friend lose her child. Something that is a horrible twist of fate. I've had friends (yes, that's plural) lose their mothers this week. One of these mother's was also my sweet, kind, compassionate friend. Yes, that's right....all in this week. I've always been okay with death. Probably because I look at it as a going home or being free. Or maybe because I choose not to feel. For the longest time, I couldn't cry. Not because I didn't want to, but because I had cut myself off from having to feel. I want to feel it now. To feel it and heal it and let it go. I have cried for all of my friends and I have prayed for strength for them.
My thoughts, love, and prayers are with all of these families this week. So, what do you do when life hands you death? It is never easy to lose someone we love, but we have to trust that this is God's plan. Right? We have to celebrate the time we had with them and grieve the pain of losing them on this earthly plain. Easier said than done. What it boils down to is having faith and hope. Today, I have faith that it all happens for a reason and hope that time will help heal and understand those reasons.
All the more reason to remember, life is short so make the most of every day. Tell the people you love them and appreciate them. Enjoy every second because tomorrow, any of us could be gone.
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